Childhood

I spent the morning wandering through the World of Disney looking for a gift for my niece who is turning two this week (yup, I'm that aunt. The always late one...). Instead of a present for Clo, I found a time warp. I hugged all the stuffed toys from when I was young, the huge Eeeyore I finally got when I became a server, the Tigger Carrie brought on pirates of the Caribbean that almost got splashed. The Flit and Meeko I got when I was 4 and set up in my bed every night. I loved my stuffed animals. I used to read them Bernstein Bear books when I was little, yup, even showed them the pictures. I thought that if I was surrounded by them at night no bad guys could get me.


Francel and I were talking about childhood toys the other day. He said he used to try and sneak up and catch them playing while he was gone. The imaginations we have are so huge, so creative and so endless. When you're a child you can create any story, game or situation imaginable and play it out with your friends and toys.

My parents never crushed my imagination. They never told me anything wasn't possible or even that Santa didn't actually go down the chimney (we didn't have a chimney, clearly it magically changed into a big fireplace when he needed). They fostered, encouraged and let us create everything and anything. I'm so incredibly thankful, much more now that I'm older and understand. I was based in reality but enabled to fly and dream.

If it weren't for my parents parenting, I would never be where I am or following my dreams. I wouldn't have the morals, the values, the deep respect for family and love, the smarts, the courage or the drive that make me who I am. Yes they sometimes whispered to each other that their 16 year old daughter should maybe want to do something other than work at Disney World, but they encouraged me to try. They never let me quit things I started, and taught me the importance of commitments. I had to fight tooth and nail to quit karate, and punished them with a year of singing lessons to get myself out of piano class.

There are things that will always make me think of my parents. Going through the hats in the Disney Store it reminds me of my father and the mad hatter shop in Disneyland in Fantasyland. Every trip we each got a hat. I'm sure it was somewhat based on sun safety, but I just loved getting to chose one! I have a range from purple princess hat to Mickey through the years and an amazing lion king one! My sister has the most adorable flower hat and my other sister rocked the Donald Duck. Who knew a hat could transport you back in time? I wonder when my parents started these traditions, if they knew the impact they would have years later.

I can't see anything Buzz Lightyear related without thinking about my Mum. She LOVES him. I had the coolest buzz toy when I was younger, but I swear she loved it even more than I did. And the ride? Forget it. No one loves shooting things on that ride more than she does! Oh, and fireworks? All my Mum.

It even extends to my Grandparents - Alice in Wonderland reminds me of my Grandma because it was one of the only rides she would go on when we were little, and I can't go on Big Thunder Mountain without thinking of my Grandpa. The announcement says to 'hold on to your hats and glasses because this heres the wildest ride in the wilderness.' My Grandpa had both, and I remember him grabbing onto both and me just giggling my little heart away.

I went into the shop looking for something for my niece, but ended up transported through my own childhood. Through the stuffed animals, the toys, the hats, the games. I was lucky enough to have one of the most blessed childhoods, and now that we're at the age where we're (aka Kim) having kids of our own (and maybe some really far away day me) I hope that we are able to create the same memories and experiences for our kids/nieces & nephews. I hope they look back one day and see how everything their parents did was to give them every possibility imaginable. My sister has started off our generation strong in the motherhood department, and it's so exciting to see where it will lead our little CloGlow!

Personally I can't wait to infiltrate their lives with so much Disney they won't know there is any other option.... Wahaha.

Sisters

Three girls. Brought up in the same home, with the same values, same parents, same town, same chances. You could argue that it wasn't all the same- that the shift in world events, place in the family, and economic turns raised us differently. But those aren't the real things that shape you I feel, they are factors, but in general, we began in very similar places.

We were all encouraged to do our best at everything we tried. We were encouraged to finish what we started and do well in school. We were taught to speak well and present ourselves well. We were taught honesty, trust, love and the importance of family.

Yet we are all completely different.

I am the loud one. Apparently. The showboat. The entertainer. The comedian. The dreamer?

Carrie is the quiet one. This I know isn't true. But to the world I guess, the quieter one. The analytical one. The explorer. The world changing one.

Kim is the one who broke all the barriers so Carrie and I could do whatever we wanted. She is the lover, the family first, the artistic one. She's done everything and tries everything at least once. She has great drive once her mind is set.

How are we so different? Yet we are also very much alike. We share a bond stronger than almost any possible to create. We can be placed anywhere together and have the greatest time. Kim and Carrie are just as funny as I am. Kim has travelled around the world as Carrie has. I can set my mind on something and follow it until it happens too. We all have our strongest tendencies, or the qualities the outside world would notice first - but we also have a vibrant web of interlocking characteristics that make it so blatantly obvious our bond is stronger and tighter than most. Sisters. It's one of the worlds biggest blessings.

We are different though. Kim has a blossoming career and incredible family 5000 miles away from Carrie who is pursuing a masters degree 3000 miles away from me chasing my Disney dreams.

Our lives have pulled us to three opposing sides of the continent. Three girls who grew up with the same values, family, home, environment - stretched across North America by their dreams. Distance in miles does not calculate to distance in heart. I know my sisters are always with me. We've grown up but not apart. My big sisters will always be my sources of inspiration, sources of pride and sources of wisdom, love and friendship.

How do you tell someone the impact they have had on your life? How do you tell them that everyday, although miles apart, you still call upon everything they have taught you through the years to accomplish what you're doing? We don't get to talk everyday like we did when we lived together. We don't get to know exactly what's happening all the time. We don't get to share White Spot or watch HGTV/TLC or bake or workout together.

My dearest sisters. My Kimbob and Carebear.

(I once got Kim a pooh bear glass for Christmas and wrapped frozen juice mix to go with it... Stored it in the freezer until it was time to open gifts. I thought it was a brilliant gift at the time.... Gotta love little sisters eh?)

I hope you two know how much I truly appreciate you. How much I love you and look up to you. If I didn't have such incredibly strong woman to look up to I wouldn't be me. Your constant support, your encouragement, your tough love, your friendship - it leaves me speechless. And as the family talker - you know how hard it is to make me quiet ;)

I miss you so entirely. I'm so proud of the way you live your lives and the things you're accomplishing. There are few bonds as strong as the three little girls from Fedoruk Road turn Roy Creek Road who grew into three beautiful women from Vancouver, Halifax and Orlando. Distance is nothing. I love you two!!

Strength

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 
-Marilyn Monroe

You're going to get kicked in the teeth.  You're going to fail.  You're going to feel like there is no way all the dreams you've dreamt can come true.  But when you fall seven times, you have to get up eight.  It's not an easy life - nothing easy is ever worth it.  If you follow a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. 

Everyone has a story, everyone has hard knocks and scars. We know what people have done, not what we've been through.   You can't get through life unscathed.  It's continuously moving forward, striving to make what you do worth something - your actions should mean something as you are giving an hour or a day of your life for them. 

A truth that I find hard to realize is this one:
"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens."

I worry and I plan.  I stress about what has happened, how I'm viewed, what I've done and what has been done to me.  There are things I can barely speak of and things I speak of too often. At 23 I think I've been through a fair bit, yet as it says above, people can know you're story without knowing what's really happened.  I imagine myself to others as a self assured, ambitious, outgoing, happy person trying to make her goals come true.  To myself I'm ambitious, awkward, happy, and random.  I live amongst the clouds where dreams are reality and everyone likes everyone and things will be okay.  Then I rapidly tumble towards reality and fear the present, fear the future and fear the past will hold me back.  I worry about money. I worry about not being as great as I hope. I worry about not accomplishing what I've set out to. I worry about giving up my dreams. I worry about new dreams replacing old ones and leaving me forever saying 'what if.'  I worry about my external image and the self brand I'm creating.  I worry about my appearance. I worry about the people I associate with and if I'm surrounding myself with those who will improve me or those who will hold me back.  I worry about my family being so far away. I worry about my friends forgetting me or replacing me.  I worry about my weight.  I worry about my height.  I worry about the amount of water I drink and if I've had enough nutrients and protein.  I worry about my bones because I don't like dairy. I worry about the white lies to keep others from worrying.  I worry I'll carry the chips from the past forever.  I worry about who I love. I worry about their happiness. I worry about having my heart broken. I worry. I'm not good at taking things as they come.  I need a plan for the day. A plan for the week. A plan for the month. A plan for the year. A plan for the next 5 years, and the 5 after that. A plan for my future.

I want to be honest. I want to radiate truth. But not the mean truth. The truth of happiness, kindness, treating others as you want to be treated and believing that everyone is good and means well.  You can get trampled being this way - and I have - but in the end a life of openness and love is better than a life of bitterness and being closed off. 

There will never be enough money. The day I'm as great as I think I can be, is the day I've stopped dreaming.  I have faith in myself - a unbreakable though sometimes hidden faith. 'What ifs' will always be there - no matter what you choose. I want to live with intention and integrity - I actively think about being like Uncle Scrooge at the end of Scrooge.  I may not have been perfect all my life, and I won't start being now, but I can always show kindness, and I can always care.  Accepting how you look is part of accepting who you are.  I'm still going to work out and eat healthy - but I can't change the fact that my nose looks like Kona's or that I have a birthmark oddly centered in the middle of my ankle or that I have a huge escalator scar on my right hand.  Those things will always be there, and I'm going to be okay with it 93% of the time.  Friends should never hold you back, friends should encourage you to be the best you can be, and not weigh you down or pull you away from what's important. I rather have a few incredible friends than a ton of acquaintances.  If the people I think are my friends walk away from my life, then it just means their chapter is over, it doesn't mean the story we had together wasn't worth it.  My family is full of the most amazing people - they have dreams and aspirations of their own. Even if I was in Vancouver or Comox, they all wouldn't be there because they are off chasing dreams as well.  Life isn't stagnant and sometimes you just have to miss people.  Missing someone means they have impacted your life in a positive way, and I rather miss them then not feel what they are and what they've done throughout my life.  It just makes coming back together that much better.

Which leads me to this: the past is the past.  I was hurt, I was cheated on, I had a lot taken away from me, I spiralled, I acted in a way and said things that I'm not proud of, I didn't respect myself.  But that's then and this is now.  It's all a part of growing up. Even the darkest things teach us a lesson. The greatest things in life can blossom out of the worst.  Sometimes things have to fall apart, for better things to come together.
And they have.

Life isn't a game, it can't be won.  It just has to be lead the best way you possibly can.  Day by day.  Plans are good, but pencilled in, because they are going to change. I'm not the girl I was 4 years ago, or 2 years ago or even last August when I returned to this sunshine paradise. I'm stronger, I'm wiser.  Life takes strength.  And I'm strong.