Strength

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 
-Marilyn Monroe

You're going to get kicked in the teeth.  You're going to fail.  You're going to feel like there is no way all the dreams you've dreamt can come true.  But when you fall seven times, you have to get up eight.  It's not an easy life - nothing easy is ever worth it.  If you follow a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. 

Everyone has a story, everyone has hard knocks and scars. We know what people have done, not what we've been through.   You can't get through life unscathed.  It's continuously moving forward, striving to make what you do worth something - your actions should mean something as you are giving an hour or a day of your life for them. 

A truth that I find hard to realize is this one:
"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens."

I worry and I plan.  I stress about what has happened, how I'm viewed, what I've done and what has been done to me.  There are things I can barely speak of and things I speak of too often. At 23 I think I've been through a fair bit, yet as it says above, people can know you're story without knowing what's really happened.  I imagine myself to others as a self assured, ambitious, outgoing, happy person trying to make her goals come true.  To myself I'm ambitious, awkward, happy, and random.  I live amongst the clouds where dreams are reality and everyone likes everyone and things will be okay.  Then I rapidly tumble towards reality and fear the present, fear the future and fear the past will hold me back.  I worry about money. I worry about not being as great as I hope. I worry about not accomplishing what I've set out to. I worry about giving up my dreams. I worry about new dreams replacing old ones and leaving me forever saying 'what if.'  I worry about my external image and the self brand I'm creating.  I worry about my appearance. I worry about the people I associate with and if I'm surrounding myself with those who will improve me or those who will hold me back.  I worry about my family being so far away. I worry about my friends forgetting me or replacing me.  I worry about my weight.  I worry about my height.  I worry about the amount of water I drink and if I've had enough nutrients and protein.  I worry about my bones because I don't like dairy. I worry about the white lies to keep others from worrying.  I worry I'll carry the chips from the past forever.  I worry about who I love. I worry about their happiness. I worry about having my heart broken. I worry. I'm not good at taking things as they come.  I need a plan for the day. A plan for the week. A plan for the month. A plan for the year. A plan for the next 5 years, and the 5 after that. A plan for my future.

I want to be honest. I want to radiate truth. But not the mean truth. The truth of happiness, kindness, treating others as you want to be treated and believing that everyone is good and means well.  You can get trampled being this way - and I have - but in the end a life of openness and love is better than a life of bitterness and being closed off. 

There will never be enough money. The day I'm as great as I think I can be, is the day I've stopped dreaming.  I have faith in myself - a unbreakable though sometimes hidden faith. 'What ifs' will always be there - no matter what you choose. I want to live with intention and integrity - I actively think about being like Uncle Scrooge at the end of Scrooge.  I may not have been perfect all my life, and I won't start being now, but I can always show kindness, and I can always care.  Accepting how you look is part of accepting who you are.  I'm still going to work out and eat healthy - but I can't change the fact that my nose looks like Kona's or that I have a birthmark oddly centered in the middle of my ankle or that I have a huge escalator scar on my right hand.  Those things will always be there, and I'm going to be okay with it 93% of the time.  Friends should never hold you back, friends should encourage you to be the best you can be, and not weigh you down or pull you away from what's important. I rather have a few incredible friends than a ton of acquaintances.  If the people I think are my friends walk away from my life, then it just means their chapter is over, it doesn't mean the story we had together wasn't worth it.  My family is full of the most amazing people - they have dreams and aspirations of their own. Even if I was in Vancouver or Comox, they all wouldn't be there because they are off chasing dreams as well.  Life isn't stagnant and sometimes you just have to miss people.  Missing someone means they have impacted your life in a positive way, and I rather miss them then not feel what they are and what they've done throughout my life.  It just makes coming back together that much better.

Which leads me to this: the past is the past.  I was hurt, I was cheated on, I had a lot taken away from me, I spiralled, I acted in a way and said things that I'm not proud of, I didn't respect myself.  But that's then and this is now.  It's all a part of growing up. Even the darkest things teach us a lesson. The greatest things in life can blossom out of the worst.  Sometimes things have to fall apart, for better things to come together.
And they have.

Life isn't a game, it can't be won.  It just has to be lead the best way you possibly can.  Day by day.  Plans are good, but pencilled in, because they are going to change. I'm not the girl I was 4 years ago, or 2 years ago or even last August when I returned to this sunshine paradise. I'm stronger, I'm wiser.  Life takes strength.  And I'm strong.