Fear

This week has been very hard.
On Monday there was a suicide in the dorms at my university's main campus.  It was in actuality a planned school shooting.  It is said in the news that the student pulled the fire alarm as he was planning to shoot students as they left the building.  The student's roommate heard the fire alarm and came out of his room where he came eye to eye with the gun, ran back into his room and called 911.  The student went into his own room and killed himself.
They found multiple guns, over 200 bullets and self made bombs in his room.  They also reportedly found a bomb in the parking garage next to the apartment tower.
This could have been horrible.  It is horrible, it's a life that's been loss that didn't need to be.  But thinking about what could have happened, what almost happened, so close to home? It's frightening.

I'm writing a paper in english right now about media sensationalism.  It's focused around school shootings and the werther effect that surrounds it, how much the media runs the story and how they always dig into the killer's life and make their names extremely well known.  As this activity unfolded I watched the exact thing I've been researching and writing about come to life.  The Orlando Sentinel was running a story "Who is _______?" digging into the student's past.  The news spread far and fast, where so that I got phone calls and texts from Canada making sure I was okay.  As I sat at work the story was followed hour by hour as new news was released about it.  In the end, it's a tragic suicide, but the effect of the could have been school shooting was everywhere.  It was too close to home.

My campus ran as usual, with some students from main campus missing morning classes due to cancelled shuttles (all of main campus was closed in the morning).  There was discussion of the events everywhere in the halls and study rooms, and to be honest, I couldn't help but look at the door each time it opened.  Death in general makes me feel uneasy.  The fact that is happened at my university, or almost happened at my university, while I was studying it, it all felt a little too close and left me a little uncomfortable.

Today we had an amazing guest speaker in my lodging class discussing Loss Prevention, Security and Safety.  The presenter was scheduled at the beginning of the semester and just so happened to fall two days after the previous mentioned events.  He discussed how he set up the security for all of universal studios then for Rosen Shingle Creek as well as Rosen College.  (Our school has some pretty cool security features!)  He did mention some of the bad things on the job though, how you react to scam artists, burns, cuts, and yes, suicides that happened at resorts he worked.  Again, it was a little too close to home.

It didn't help that we watched 3 Bones the other night that were about sexual harassment, murder and child soldiers.

So my heart has been pretty heavy this week.  And it's reinvoked fears that I've been trying to get over. When I lived in Vancouver I used to not only walk home a couple miles in the dark at night, I used to go for 5+ mile runs at night.  I just tried to step out the door to run, and I was scared. Of what? I don't know.  We live in a regular neighbourhood, with nice houses.  But I couldn't make myself go.  I don't want fear to run my life, and it usually doesn't, but perhaps this is just a week to be okay with things like that. To run in the morning, to appreciate life and to just accept things that aren't up to us.  Sometimes being a little irrational is okay, as long as you don't let it take over.  It won today, it won't win tomorrow.

It's been a rough week.  People don't always understand why I'm so affected by things that have nothing to do with me.  I don't know if it's my compassion, my ability to relate, or my happy world disposition.  I find harming others such a horrifying thought, maybe it's my inability to understand that makes it so hard to deal with.  So I deal with it the best way I can, to write a little about it, get it out of me and onto a page, and somehow that cleanses it away.  I don't forget, but it's not held as closely to my heart.

It's been a tough week.  One that makes you want to reach out and love a little harder, enjoy everything a little more and make sure each day means something.

My love

Dear Francel,

"What do you do for fun? Do you go out?"

That's how we started. Simple enough.  Our first date wasn't suppose to be a date.  It was a favour that turned into a dinner.  It was a dinner full of laughing and talking and smiling.  I remember thinking that I hadn't seen a cuter grin in all my life, and I had the biggest butterflies.  I was so nervous.
Our first actual date was to the movies. Your favourite.  I missed a lot of the movie wondering if you meant to bump my arm, or if you were going to hold my hand.  I still have my movie stub.
An incredible trail of amazing dates followed.  An amazing Italian restaurant where they lit my creme brulee on fire at the table.   Your shirt and tie made my heart skip a beat, as did the way you made me feel the entire night - special. I would tell someone about our day and even I couldn't believe how great it sounded when repeated.  And it really is that great.
There has always been something different.  Of course I was attracted to you, but it was so much more than that.  I had to be around you. It has always felt like finding someone who is suppose to be in my life.  I felt so instantly comfortable telling you all about my life, my dreams, my hopes.  And ever since you've respected and supported them all. I love learning about you too - about your ninja turtle and batman birthday parties, how incredibly important your family is and how hilarious you are (especially when you're over tired)! Sometimes I don't even know what we're laughing about by the end of it, but I know how great it makes me feel.
We've found favourite places together (Cali Grill lounge, Ghiradelli's free chocolate!), discovered new cuisine and decisively decided I need to work on my bowling skills and you on your mini-golf ;)
When you took me to California Grill it took my breath away.  Not the restaurant but you. You take my breath away.  But I got scared.  I was falling in love.
I was so scared to love you.  Love has never worked out before. Now I know nothing in the past ever worked out because I was meant to love you. No one has ever treated me the way you do - when you open the car door on non-special occasions, when you pick up on things I'm excited about and make them happen (This is 40!), when you truly listen to what I say and how I feel, when you support my goals, when you stand up for me, when you pick me up when I fall and helped me turn around that issue. When I can walk in the room and your face lights up with the biggest smile and you pull me into your arms - just the sight of me makes you happy? Just the sight of you makes me happy.
It hasn't all been butterflies and happiness.  We've dealt with some hard things as well.  But those strengthen us, they add to the authenticity of our love, and our life together.  A very wise man told me that if we didn't have struggles we wouldn't fully be able to appreciate the good times.  You were right.  For as many lows as we've had, we have gotten through them together, and we always will.
You made my holidays.  Being 3300 miles away from my family and friends is tough. The holidays make it tougher.  Osborne Lights. Making egg nog. Grinchmas. Be Our Guest Restaurant  Mickey's Christmas Party. The Rose & Crown and Candlelight.  California Grill lounge with Holiday Wishes. Your love is astonishing.  And the thing is, all of these things were breathtakingly beautiful, fun, incredible and amazing - but the best part of all of it, the part of all of it that matters, is that I got to do it with you.
I can't even start to describe New Years Eve. I had never been so sure that I wanted to spend a year, the rest of my years, with someone as  I was when 2013 began.
Ice cream at home. Cooking at home.  Baking at home. Watching our favourite shows.  Watching movies from our childhood.  Me watching your scary movies, you watching my girly movies. Bowling. Mini-golf. Walking around the mall. Slushy mango wine. Breakfast in bed.
Spending the night in with you is one of the best dates we ever have.
I love you. I'm in love with you. I will love you for the rest of my life.  You have had a larger impact on me in our time together than I ever thought possible.  You make me want to be a better version of myself, you taught me to trust, to open up and to allow myself to accept your love in return.
I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for showing me a real relationship. Thank you for loving me- flaws and past included. Thank you for laughing at my dorky jokes. Thank you for making me feel like I can conquer the world with one hand when you're holding the other.
I am absolutely in love with you, and I cannot wait for our future together, and all the incredible adventures ahead.
Forever you'll be my always,
Kate

Strength

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 
-Marilyn Monroe

You're going to get kicked in the teeth.  You're going to fail.  You're going to feel like there is no way all the dreams you've dreamt can come true.  But when you fall seven times, you have to get up eight.  It's not an easy life - nothing easy is ever worth it.  If you follow a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. 

Everyone has a story, everyone has hard knocks and scars. We know what people have done, not what we've been through.   You can't get through life unscathed.  It's continuously moving forward, striving to make what you do worth something - your actions should mean something as you are giving an hour or a day of your life for them. 

A truth that I find hard to realize is this one:
"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens."

I worry and I plan.  I stress about what has happened, how I'm viewed, what I've done and what has been done to me.  There are things I can barely speak of and things I speak of too often. At 23 I think I've been through a fair bit, yet as it says above, people can know you're story without knowing what's really happened.  I imagine myself to others as a self assured, ambitious, outgoing, happy person trying to make her goals come true.  To myself I'm ambitious, awkward, happy, and random.  I live amongst the clouds where dreams are reality and everyone likes everyone and things will be okay.  Then I rapidly tumble towards reality and fear the present, fear the future and fear the past will hold me back.  I worry about money. I worry about not being as great as I hope. I worry about not accomplishing what I've set out to. I worry about giving up my dreams. I worry about new dreams replacing old ones and leaving me forever saying 'what if.'  I worry about my external image and the self brand I'm creating.  I worry about my appearance. I worry about the people I associate with and if I'm surrounding myself with those who will improve me or those who will hold me back.  I worry about my family being so far away. I worry about my friends forgetting me or replacing me.  I worry about my weight.  I worry about my height.  I worry about the amount of water I drink and if I've had enough nutrients and protein.  I worry about my bones because I don't like dairy. I worry about the white lies to keep others from worrying.  I worry I'll carry the chips from the past forever.  I worry about who I love. I worry about their happiness. I worry about having my heart broken. I worry. I'm not good at taking things as they come.  I need a plan for the day. A plan for the week. A plan for the month. A plan for the year. A plan for the next 5 years, and the 5 after that. A plan for my future.

I want to be honest. I want to radiate truth. But not the mean truth. The truth of happiness, kindness, treating others as you want to be treated and believing that everyone is good and means well.  You can get trampled being this way - and I have - but in the end a life of openness and love is better than a life of bitterness and being closed off. 

There will never be enough money. The day I'm as great as I think I can be, is the day I've stopped dreaming.  I have faith in myself - a unbreakable though sometimes hidden faith. 'What ifs' will always be there - no matter what you choose. I want to live with intention and integrity - I actively think about being like Uncle Scrooge at the end of Scrooge.  I may not have been perfect all my life, and I won't start being now, but I can always show kindness, and I can always care.  Accepting how you look is part of accepting who you are.  I'm still going to work out and eat healthy - but I can't change the fact that my nose looks like Kona's or that I have a birthmark oddly centered in the middle of my ankle or that I have a huge escalator scar on my right hand.  Those things will always be there, and I'm going to be okay with it 93% of the time.  Friends should never hold you back, friends should encourage you to be the best you can be, and not weigh you down or pull you away from what's important. I rather have a few incredible friends than a ton of acquaintances.  If the people I think are my friends walk away from my life, then it just means their chapter is over, it doesn't mean the story we had together wasn't worth it.  My family is full of the most amazing people - they have dreams and aspirations of their own. Even if I was in Vancouver or Comox, they all wouldn't be there because they are off chasing dreams as well.  Life isn't stagnant and sometimes you just have to miss people.  Missing someone means they have impacted your life in a positive way, and I rather miss them then not feel what they are and what they've done throughout my life.  It just makes coming back together that much better.

Which leads me to this: the past is the past.  I was hurt, I was cheated on, I had a lot taken away from me, I spiralled, I acted in a way and said things that I'm not proud of, I didn't respect myself.  But that's then and this is now.  It's all a part of growing up. Even the darkest things teach us a lesson. The greatest things in life can blossom out of the worst.  Sometimes things have to fall apart, for better things to come together.
And they have.

Life isn't a game, it can't be won.  It just has to be lead the best way you possibly can.  Day by day.  Plans are good, but pencilled in, because they are going to change. I'm not the girl I was 4 years ago, or 2 years ago or even last August when I returned to this sunshine paradise. I'm stronger, I'm wiser.  Life takes strength.  And I'm strong.